We Are So Back!
Guys, great news! We’ve got a renaissance on our hands. Baltimore’s back. Internationally renowned news journal—the Daily Mail—has proclaimed it so! “Former ‘murder capital’… is finally on the up”, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
Now, their main sources were two realtors from the County and for those who don’t know about “The County”, here are the CliffNotes: Baltimore City = dangerous. Baltimore County = suburban paradise. Or so they say… Apparently, the evil Voodoo ceases the second you cross the County line. But NO MORE. We are so back!
Anyhow, after an obligatory Wire reference and 2,000 words of relative drivel—apparently Pikesville (County) and Towson (more County) are now Baltimore neighborhoods—they finally arrive at a key point: “Reducing bottlenecks in approvals for builds, flips and renovations will be critical to sustaining growth and unlocking Baltimore’s full development potential.” – Kelly Harris, Real Estate Agent, Gambrills (so County, it’s not even BALTIMORE County).
Reinvest Baltimore?
Meanwhile, back in the City—y’all heard about Reinvest Baltimore? Well, in short, there’s a big coordinated effort between the State, City, nonprofits, and for-profits. The goal? Fix up a bunch of vacant homes. 5,000 to be exact. And a key part of the plan? You guessed it: reducing bottlenecks to speed up builds, flips, and renovations.
Shrek 5: Donkey Buys a Brownstone
Remember in Shrek when they were like, “only true love’s kiss could break the curse” and then Fiona would stop being an ogre? Basically, Baltimore’s the ogre and Reinvest Baltimore has arrived to break the curse. How does that movie end again?
Anyway, here’s how it’s rolling out. So, every month in the highest room of the tallest tower, a mighty council of powerbrokers come together to bring forth the great rebirth of our fallen city.
Am I being dramatic? Certainly. Are you still reading? Apparently.
Look, I’m all for Reinvest Baltimore. I’m happy they think they’re going to get 5,000 vacant homes repurposed. Officially, that would handle about one-third of our vacant homes. Of course, we know the real number’s higher. I’d explain why, but it would probably bore you.
The Real Numbers *Ugh*
But basically, Dan Ellis of Neighborhood Housing Services puts the real number at 30,000-40,000 vacant homes—plus 21,000 vacant lots, where your boy is trying to make himself useful. So, even if the mighty council does its job, we’ll have dealt with maybe one-tenth of the vacancy issue. In short: we’ve got a LONG WAY TO GO.
Baltimore: The Paris of the West
Coming back to “La Renaissance de Baltimore”—if I didn’t enjoy my Daily Mail bit so much, I would’ve led with this: Le Figaro, an actually reputable French newspaper, also declared a renaissance. And to their credit, they wrote a decent piece. They even interviewed Denzel Mitchell from the Farm Alliance of Baltimore. Pretty cool. Expect a wave of French tourists any day now.
But my biggest problem with these renaissance articles and proclamations is that it’s about storytelling. It takes more than a couple “good years” for a renaissance to occur. We’re fortunate to have pulled out of a long period of darkness—and yeah, it’s feeling pretty electric around town. But 5,000 repurposed homes or a steep drop in homicides isn’t enough. We haven’t earned it yet.
And what are we even talking about when we say “renaissance”? Does it mean Baltimore becomes the next Brooklyn—with “trendy restaurants” and “hip cafes”? Nah. It’s Baltimore’s grit and personality that make it special.
True Love’s Kiss
Well, I’m hoping we get that kiss. But, I’m NOT looking for Lord Farquaad or Prince Charming. I want full Shrek on that smooch. Let Baltimore be what it’s meant to be: A beautiful ogre. Let’s get to work!
Images
- Shrek & Fiona: https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/shipping/images/4/49/Shriona_Cover.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/1200?cb=20230301052211
- Baltimore & County Map: https://www.baltimoremagazine.com/section/businessdevelopment/how-to-fix-baltimore/
- Frenchman in Fells Point: OpenAI. (2025). AI-generated image of a French man in a Baltimore street scene [AI-generated image]. DALL·E. https://openai.com/dall-e
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